I once felt a calling to the place I am now.
Symbols and signs that said this is where I should be.
On one particular night, I encountered a deer as I walked from my trailer to the beach. The deer and I strode side-by-side for a time. They were unbothered by me, but eventually peeled away. I reached the tall grasses that cover the dunes here, and the full moon lit them up with a faint bluish light, amplifying the ethereal nature of what I was experiencing. It also reminded me of the plains back home, where I am so far from and unlikely to ever return to. I crested a small hill, and saw the ocean. As soon as I did, a shooting star fell directly down in front of me from the night sky.
I was awestruck. Even as an atheist, the spiritual nature of this confluence of events was not lost on me. It felt significant. It felt like meaning. But I have been unable to find community here since then. Purpose and clarity has eluded me. I have tried to work, continued to write, continued to create…and yet the fruits of these labors remain illusory.
Aside from one. I met someone. And she was glorious. Much like a shooting star in her own right. She was so much of what I sought in a partner. So much of what I had been missing in my 40+ years on this earth. Physically, we barely touched. But we spent nights walking and discussing and learning. From my perspective, this could easily have developed into one of the great loves in my life given enough time. She demonstrated that the way I always wanted to be treated was not “too much,” because she did it effortlessly, gracefully, enthusiastically. It wasn’t magic but it felt that way. I sat on that beach with her, not far from where I saw my shooting star, and we watched the sun go down. I got to show her my favorite patch of forest and was delighted to hear her say how much it reminded her of home. She is intelligent, inquisitive, empathetic, patient, and beautiful. I will never fully understand what she saw in me or thought of me. And she will never know how much her light meant to me.
But she is on her own path, with her own healing still to do. And I am on mine.
We only walked together a brief time and I absolutely wish it was longer. I know better than to chase. I know better than to hold onto something that isn’t mine, that isn’t anyone’s. She is a light and she must find her own way by it. I respect her too much to turn her. I want for her to find the way she can thrive. I can hope we meet again, but I do not expect it.
Perhaps that’s what I was supposed to find here. A streak of light across my night sky. A sign that what I seek could be found, even if it wouldn’t be found here. A glimpse of what I can still hope for if I make it through all this darkness. So perhaps it truly is time for me to move on. I will miss this place. But I will always miss her more. More importantly, I will always be grateful for the time we did have. For the light I got to see. I hope there are more like her. The world needs more like her.
